back and forth

I think i must be a magnet for pms men... seriously.. Most woman ask for a sensitive man.. This will be the last time I place that request.. An old Friend emailed me.. told me he saw me at a Venue ... being loud and obnoxious and he said he looked at me and i never said hi... I don't recall seeing him... and i'm thinking, why didn't you say HI!!!

The man i have called my boyfriend for the past year or so... seems a bit pissy.. I think i made a mistake calling him especially when after i got off the phone i felt like i had made a mistake, drained and felt like crying....

I thought i was doing a good thing... I had just called my grandmother in Bklyn.. to see if she was allright we had a few good chuckles, I love that lady.. She said she felt like a cowboy, when i called her she just had opened a can of beans, it reminded her of those old western campfire scenes.. I laughed, we laughed. She always knows how to stay in good spirits no matter the circumstance. she's in the middle of a blackout and were cracking jokes about flashlights and cowboys.. crazy.. so that left me feeling good. Then I called my mom and she ran into some old friends, so that left me feeling light, cuz the couples daughter is named after me and she's 12 now.. wow.. i feel old.. hah! So while i was on this high cycle i decided to call friend boy... he sounded not very happy, distant, irritated.. and that made me feel like i had ruined my happy high.. so that is where i am now..

someone told me they wanted me to update my blog and they enjoyed reading about other people's misery.. i hope you're happy! ;)

See the thing is.. I have upheld a tough interior for a while, we can blame growing up in NYC for that.. I made myself stop being a crybaby at 10 and didn't cry again for years.. But lately.. my tears flow easily.. especially when i think of friend boy... (why friend boy?? cuz he was my boyfriend but now he feels like a friend who just happens to be a pms'y boy..) so that distant convo.. made me wonder what im trying to rebuild or hold on to.. I hear now that i take things too personal.. but perhaps i think i need to stop trying to read people. My diagnosis seems to be off lately.. and i'm taking ish personal... Like why don't you sound happy when you talk to me??? see the little things.. like even if i was stressed and my loved one called i'd perk up a bit, b/c this is not one of those people whose been causing me stress all week, this is my once loved one back home just calling to say hi....

I swear i'm getting more sensitive with age, so i don't need to hook up with a sensitive, take it personal kind of guy.. We'd clash, I'd accuse, start crying and it'd be a big ol mess.. i need someone to be the strong one.. and if we're both going around being moody and bitchy.. well that will never work..


So how is my day?? Let's see... I plan to rest tonight, so i'm looking forward to that. My check is lost, my car is still being held hostage at the body shop, i had the bomb chocolate cake from the cafe today... :) I've been accused of being standoffish and rude, obnoxious, and too sensitive and in the same hour a sweetheart.. see.. you'll always be different things to different people..
oh.. the main office just called me.. the bank did have my money.. but they had some crazy mix up with savings and checking.. crazy... oh.. i took this online test at computertraning.com.. got a 28 out of 30 on the test.. now i'm getting these calls to be recruited to take Microsoft certified training.. They are trying to lure me with the money... i'd make so much more as a network admin.. don't i know it.. and if i'm such a nerd all ready.. why aren't i jumping on this bandwagon and out of the admin assistant basket... I wonder....
My day as days go isn't so bad.. i just wonder if i should retain a single attitude and forget about being or trying to be in a relationship... now i'm feeling wishy-washy.. is it worth all the back forth????.. and to be honest.. right now.. i don't want the mental love high... it's draining me.. i need some physical release.. oh well.. i guess i'll be waiting..