are you waiting for an update???
okay.. some may say i am TOO DAMN NICE!!! but.. i sent the jackass a nice little message today when i got to work... basically told him he needed to clean up his shit b4 he up and walked away.. well... i figured that was nicer than the F U i wanted to send... it's just not in my nature.. i may be incapable of being truly mean to people.. cuz.. i feel bad... i know some people don't have this.. but i do... so i sent it and forgot about it.. started playing D'angelo.. basically depressing myself by listening to love songs.. well... i got a call i assumed it was this girl i work with, no one else is calling me at work...
But what do you know?? it's J.A... if i can still call him that.. he asked to see me at lunchtime.. and i agreed.. and got myself instant heartburn and a really sick to my stomach feeling.. so i speedwalked around the building got my car moved it closer to the side door,went to the bathroom several times and ran the conversations through my mind making sure i didn't say anything i would regret later.. see.. that damn conscious...
Well we met i tried to be hard.. kept my distance... but i felt myself wanting to smile when i saw him waiting for me.. and i stopped that real quick... i figured.. i am keeping my original stance.. and we are going to start this thing over as friends.. cuz as i see it, there are several key elements we missed. If we were truly friends, this ignoring and silence and stupid kindergarten ish.. wouldn't have occured.. so that was our decision.. he introduced himself to me like we were strangers, gave me his number.. he said he saw me last night and apparently i turned around to his direction.. but did i mention my contacts were acting up something funny last night.. i couldn't see shit for almost an hour.. so he said i turned in his direction when he was talking to my big sis and i turned away and rubbed my eyes and it was all he could do not to break down... well.. well... so i do exist..
I said a few things about how i felt about being shut out, ignored, distance from the one person i felt i could turn to.. seems that were feeling the same way..
so i made some key decisions.. i have never been what you can call normal.. neither has he.. but i don't think anyone can really understand this thing like we can.. so i'm keeping my relationship ish to myself.. cuz my friends think i need to keep my options open.. and the whole idea of finding someone new and learning new issues, new bodies, new territory.. is not what i want.. it's not what we want.. so i'm going to follow what i know.. for now.
we shall see.. but as Kem says.. there is no where to hide, when love is calling your name, no where to run.. when love calls, love calls..
i hate that one person can affect me in such a way.. but then again.. no one affects me this way... we shall see..
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