I would like to say that love is overrated. But that is not what I really feel. What i really feel is that I am a victim of a love song and being a victim of a love song. I listen to slow jams and neosoul and r&b and anything with a nice groove and a nice message with an even nicer voice with a keen ear. Focused intently on the lyrics. And often I find myself saying.."Self, I want a love like that. I want someone to be there for me, to care for me, to want to go out of their way and get me the sun, even though the sun is not what i want but it's that kind of passion directed toward me that i want. Self.. .I want to be in love"
and now i think.. That it's not love i actually want to be in. IT's that high love gives you and it's the idea of being in love that intrigues me.. Because.. honestly.. .As much as a lion can roar... and boast with an inordinate amount of pride and shine... And i can be like sunshine.. there is another side.. and the truth is.. I am afraid of pain, in any form, fashion or color. I run the other way from pain like a bunch of thugs in a dark cold and stanky alley... I don't like pain.. So with that... I am cautious very cautious of not being hurt.. and so maybe it's not love but the idea of the feeling of the high of love that intrigues me..
while i know that love does not equal pain.. I know right now... anyone i meet right now is not going to be the one.. so i know there is going to be a breakup of some sort and to me that amounts to pain... Seperation anxiety... distance, being ignored = PAIN!
so i guess for now.. i can flirt all i want and smile and talk and have a bunch of friends but this heart.. will not be seeking an entrance into the drug like enduced fantasy.. you people call love... sorry.
I am not ready.. for anymore pain.. Which i find funny... the last guy i was with kept asking me.. if i had been hurt alot in the past and near the end... he said he didn't want to hurt me, and that is why he kept his distance.. but.. uhh.. he hurt me anyway.. i guess i better just suck it up.. I am a sensitive Leo.. hurt comes with the territory... I can find it anywhere.. and i am a writer.. perhaps i better warn the next person.. when you make me mad enough i write about it.. and i just started a new blog.. wow these fools are asking for it.
well if i think of this way.. any relationship gives me material and experience to allow me to write about "what i know" so maybe i should suck it up and jump right in... is the water fine? :)
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