So.. I haven't been blogging in a long ass time. Some of the reasons for the absence are not severe, but then i came across "Indigo Trails of My Mind" and noticed she hasn't been online or written in like 2 years, 800 days, eons and a few posts down from the top of the page she has a blog about why she's not writing and in those words I see some of my own trepidation.
As i sit here, I am supposed to be studying for an Esthetics exam at 8am tomorrow morning. This is my study break. But I wonder, how long of a break should i take from writing. It's been since about 2008, since I've been able to write freely. and some of the things Nikki said I feel also, once people i know had access to this page and started to read and dissect my words, pick them apart, (pick me apart) and report back to live people i knew im my real day, in my real life, well then shit got too real. This wasn't supposed to be that real place. This was my escape. and where did i have to escape to if this place was taken from me. Punc.tuation. be damned.
So i've been frozen, and as a result, my life is starting to suffer. I first came to to this blog as a refuge from pain. I had just broken up with a boyfriend and needed to release, coming here was fun. Then it became a hassle and who wants to keep defending themselves against unwelcome intruders? i don't. So i froze, i stopped, and i stopped in all facets of my life. I stopped writing poetry, I stopped performing to the point where people would ask me to get on stage and I stopped going to venues, because I didn't want to be pestered anymore. I've turned to designing pages for other people.
I lost a job, I got a new one, I went back to school. I met a man. A real live, cool, loving man. and the man i once wrote about who i thought was cool as shit, but who had a women he lied about who read my page and went back to him to show him my words and dissected my bullshit, well he's full of shit and as a result i think, I must be full of shit. So what's to write about?
Well, I need to break away from the guy i once thought was oh so good for me, and make peace with the fact that I found "HIM" and i can't be freely with "HIM" as long as my past is groveling and pulling at my strings trying to make something of a clear and distinct nothing. MY friends say I need to make a clean break, that the new relationship isn't worth the trials of the old one, but old dude lingers. I'm done though. I hope he happens across this and sees it and realizes he is not my him anymore and that i am done. Done with the lies, the falsehoods, the pretending. I always said people didnt change, but i take it back. People change, I am changing. I am imagining a life i didn't allow myself to imagine before and i need to be free to explore it. Now if only the got damn words would flow for me again, maybe i could get all this chatter out of my head..
Peace.
J
love: in retrospect
I am finding hard to believe I let rage, anger, jealousy and pettiness control 3 years of my life. Granted, at first, I was intrigued by the drama. I had never really had any drama in my life. But then, the drama became a tornado, whipping up anything and everything in its path. Blinding me. Redirecting me. Taking me off course. And here I am 3 years later, still looking at the wreckage, trying to pick up the pieces and find out where I have been and where I need to be going.
IT seems like the players have all been tossed in their own directions, doing their own things, finding new holes to dig, new places to root, new lives to wreck. Or have they? I somtimes wonder what it all was about. If those women who thought those men were so important still care the same way. IF they knew what I knew if they would have fought so hard. Lied so much, have done so much conniving. For what? a man? a boy? a child? who in the end, not one of us is with, and none of us really needs to be with.
Sometimes I wonder, was it all worth it in the end. I often think about calling up these women, who read my blogs, called their men, drew up the drama and I want to ask them. If the are happy now. Why? Because I am not. I want some of my time back, my money back and some of my sanity. I am not even thankful for the lessons learned. Why? Because it was a useless lesson and a waste of time. But hindsight is 20/20.
I can only move forward. looking back only ensures I don't make the same mistakes twice and I know more than anyone, that I will not be repeating that course. At. ALL.
Peace.
J
IT seems like the players have all been tossed in their own directions, doing their own things, finding new holes to dig, new places to root, new lives to wreck. Or have they? I somtimes wonder what it all was about. If those women who thought those men were so important still care the same way. IF they knew what I knew if they would have fought so hard. Lied so much, have done so much conniving. For what? a man? a boy? a child? who in the end, not one of us is with, and none of us really needs to be with.
Sometimes I wonder, was it all worth it in the end. I often think about calling up these women, who read my blogs, called their men, drew up the drama and I want to ask them. If the are happy now. Why? Because I am not. I want some of my time back, my money back and some of my sanity. I am not even thankful for the lessons learned. Why? Because it was a useless lesson and a waste of time. But hindsight is 20/20.
I can only move forward. looking back only ensures I don't make the same mistakes twice and I know more than anyone, that I will not be repeating that course. At. ALL.
Peace.
J
As for me and my house.....
@Daily_Truth
"For myself I am an optimist; it does not seem to be much use being anything else". — Winston Churchill
I have been a raging unstable bitch for 2 days. Me, Myself? I am pissed at the world. Mostly, my inner circle for being selfish, insecure, bitches. ALL of THEM including the men.. and the baby. (ok, well maybe not the baby)
Two different people on two different occassions told me they saw someone i knew in a different city at a show i was invited to attend. Why do people insist on throwing Erykah Badu shows I did not attend in my face... These people KNOW that I attend a E. Badu show yearly. It's part of my contract with life. So why, Why, WHY would you throw that salt in the open wounds of this game? huh. Needles to say, I am still pissed. So pissed that a friend of mine told me. She had NEVER seen me this unfocused and just plain angry at the world. I can't really ascertain what the direct genesis of this anger is. But, I do know.. I am telling the world to fuck itself.. So.. I think I should make some mental changes. Starting today. I am looking for the silver lining, the pot of gold, the good things. Because focusing on the negative is only making my blood boil, and my blood vessels burst (sorry it's an old reggae lyric).
Peace,
For Real
decisions, decisions
i stopped blogging. my life stopped. i stopped writing. i made some changes
ineed to write.. i don't feel alive.
debating if i should revive the blog...
maybe i've done a good enough job of erasing the vermin... we shall see..
regardless.. i've been keeping too much shit in.. i need to write.
j
ineed to write.. i don't feel alive.
debating if i should revive the blog...
maybe i've done a good enough job of erasing the vermin... we shall see..
regardless.. i've been keeping too much shit in.. i need to write.
j
tell me something
i write best when i am mad, passionate, excited, compelled.
today i am mad or maybe just in love
i love the people who when they get mad or otherwise inclined feel that it is then time to dissect everything about your being and tell YOU about YOURself. like who else is a better knower of you, the real you, than YOU?
it is in these moments that i finally see me & not for the obvious reasons. I finally get to see me through someone else's eyes and someone else's actions and i see me, when they get mad.
it's not that i am perfect. i have never professed to be. it is not that i have reached nirvana, i am far from that place. it is not that i have met Jesus and i am finally having my own "Great Revelation" no. it is not because now i can finally see. i am just me. i am all i ever said i was,or not. and sometimes the person with the problem is not me.
i am fine being quirky, silly, sometimes sexy, mostly not, lazy, busy, working, sleeping, writing, non-writing, hiding, moving, living, breathing, purple, green, blue, aqua, red, orange, singing, dancing but mostly laughing. ( i am really me when i am laughing) ME.
i am sorry if you felt i was something else like a listener, a healer, a daughter, a mother, a sister, a wife, a writer, a poet, a blogger, or some other silly attribute given to women of a certain age, bearing children or work or words or breasts (rather large one we might add) or love.
i never sold any bills of goods. i never posted any bills.
i am just me.
and i am sorry i kept on being me with my proper misuse of the language and i fckd shit up.
or fucked up your view of me, but i never really changed.
so im not sorry.
im still me
being me
just the way i have been.
what i am really sorry about is listening to strangers (ie the people outside of me) who thought they had the fucking answers. they never did. they had time and opportunity.
some of them had computers. and everyone with a computer and a keyboard thinks if you put your life online they have a write to edit and post on it. but then again, i never said i was anything more... than me. the blog even says.. as if i have the answers. i dont and when i think i do.... i dont
so i hope you, with the reading, the analyzing and the wondering. i hope you got what you were looking for. i hope it lived up to all your expectations and dashed all your fucking dreams. because i never professed to be anything great or beautiful or wonderful. i am just as fucked up as you think you are not. ( psst.. but you are.. just as fucked up as you think i am.) otherwise you wouldn't be here for YEARS over analyzing the dumb shit i say looking for the he saids and she saids.. when most of the time.. most of you had my phone number and my email address and could have just asked plain out instead of hiding behind the scenes and causing more drama by using my words against me.
but it is what it is.
because in the end. i am okay. you are okay. and one day you will stop pointing your finger, and yelling, and flailing your arms like the mad wo/man you are... and realize.. it is time to just be you ... read this drivel if you like.. sometimes its entertaining but i never have the answers and even when i think i do.. i dont
its the beauty of life. and now im going out to live it.
some good ass pizza awaits. and thats a fact. or maybe a matter of opinion.
peace
j
today i am mad or maybe just in love
i love the people who when they get mad or otherwise inclined feel that it is then time to dissect everything about your being and tell YOU about YOURself. like who else is a better knower of you, the real you, than YOU?
it is in these moments that i finally see me & not for the obvious reasons. I finally get to see me through someone else's eyes and someone else's actions and i see me, when they get mad.
it's not that i am perfect. i have never professed to be. it is not that i have reached nirvana, i am far from that place. it is not that i have met Jesus and i am finally having my own "Great Revelation" no. it is not because now i can finally see. i am just me. i am all i ever said i was,or not. and sometimes the person with the problem is not me.
i am fine being quirky, silly, sometimes sexy, mostly not, lazy, busy, working, sleeping, writing, non-writing, hiding, moving, living, breathing, purple, green, blue, aqua, red, orange, singing, dancing but mostly laughing. ( i am really me when i am laughing) ME.
i am sorry if you felt i was something else like a listener, a healer, a daughter, a mother, a sister, a wife, a writer, a poet, a blogger, or some other silly attribute given to women of a certain age, bearing children or work or words or breasts (rather large one we might add) or love.
i never sold any bills of goods. i never posted any bills.
i am just me.
and i am sorry i kept on being me with my proper misuse of the language and i fckd shit up.
or fucked up your view of me, but i never really changed.
so im not sorry.
im still me
being me
just the way i have been.
what i am really sorry about is listening to strangers (ie the people outside of me) who thought they had the fucking answers. they never did. they had time and opportunity.
some of them had computers. and everyone with a computer and a keyboard thinks if you put your life online they have a write to edit and post on it. but then again, i never said i was anything more... than me. the blog even says.. as if i have the answers. i dont and when i think i do.... i dont
so i hope you, with the reading, the analyzing and the wondering. i hope you got what you were looking for. i hope it lived up to all your expectations and dashed all your fucking dreams. because i never professed to be anything great or beautiful or wonderful. i am just as fucked up as you think you are not. ( psst.. but you are.. just as fucked up as you think i am.) otherwise you wouldn't be here for YEARS over analyzing the dumb shit i say looking for the he saids and she saids.. when most of the time.. most of you had my phone number and my email address and could have just asked plain out instead of hiding behind the scenes and causing more drama by using my words against me.
but it is what it is.
because in the end. i am okay. you are okay. and one day you will stop pointing your finger, and yelling, and flailing your arms like the mad wo/man you are... and realize.. it is time to just be you ... read this drivel if you like.. sometimes its entertaining but i never have the answers and even when i think i do.. i dont
its the beauty of life. and now im going out to live it.
some good ass pizza awaits. and thats a fact. or maybe a matter of opinion.
peace
j
the more things change, the more they stay the same
this year has been an eye opening experience in change.
i would normally say. i despise change. but this year has shown me change is necessary for routing out demons in your life.. lol.
im seeing my gifts, seeing the light and accepting the truth.
sometimes things are not as they really seem. & some people are so full of shit and unhappy and ready to destroy everything including themselves that you cant take their actions personal.. b/c in the end its not about you. it truly is about them getting their shit all over the walls and floors of everyone elses house including their own.
i naively took peoples actions personal when in reality it wasnt about me. it was about them. ive never gone out of my way to destroy someones life they way ive seen others do.
fortunately, i do have true and real friends who know the truth and unfortunately the truth will never really be told and heard the way some people need to hear and see it... so whats a girl to do?
watch tv, write 4 ones self, change careers, keep to herself, and keep it moving..
cuz in the end.. life is all about growth and change and growing and changing... not necessarily in that order.. but hopefully in an upward motion..
some people are drama magnets... i hope they continue to keep their drama to themselves... some of us only like to watch that crap on tv..
k.i.m (keeping it moving)
jw
i would normally say. i despise change. but this year has shown me change is necessary for routing out demons in your life.. lol.
im seeing my gifts, seeing the light and accepting the truth.
sometimes things are not as they really seem. & some people are so full of shit and unhappy and ready to destroy everything including themselves that you cant take their actions personal.. b/c in the end its not about you. it truly is about them getting their shit all over the walls and floors of everyone elses house including their own.
i naively took peoples actions personal when in reality it wasnt about me. it was about them. ive never gone out of my way to destroy someones life they way ive seen others do.
fortunately, i do have true and real friends who know the truth and unfortunately the truth will never really be told and heard the way some people need to hear and see it... so whats a girl to do?
watch tv, write 4 ones self, change careers, keep to herself, and keep it moving..
cuz in the end.. life is all about growth and change and growing and changing... not necessarily in that order.. but hopefully in an upward motion..
some people are drama magnets... i hope they continue to keep their drama to themselves... some of us only like to watch that crap on tv..
k.i.m (keeping it moving)
jw
Assesment
all i can think is
if i spent as much time thinking about me
as i did thinking about what you were out there
doing to me
i'd be a hundred miles away
a 100% saner
time to refocus
re-assess
cuz thinking about you
is a dead end
ending with
dead feelings
dead memories
death
a life no more..
regrets and recollections linger
but life
is for the living
over cliche-ish
but it's time to move on...
about time..
(c) 2009 tiye nayeli
if i spent as much time thinking about me
as i did thinking about what you were out there
doing to me
i'd be a hundred miles away
a 100% saner
time to refocus
re-assess
cuz thinking about you
is a dead end
ending with
dead feelings
dead memories
death
a life no more..
regrets and recollections linger
but life
is for the living
over cliche-ish
but it's time to move on...
about time..
(c) 2009 tiye nayeli
a new day
I closed the blog down for awhile to re asses my reasons for keeping it. I began the blog as a creative outlet but, as circumstances would have it, the blog evolved, my life became a drama and the blog became a catalyst for people to scrounge around and use the words I wrote as fodder for their own deceptive "creative" purposes. While I would love to say the blog was for me and I should ignore the "haters" the "cross blog attacks" were a bit more than I could handle. The need to write became stifled and I decided to walk away.
While some things change, somethings never will.
My life since then is not the same, but the need for writing has returned.
I will be taking the blog in another direction.
In the upcoming days or months you should see a change. I'm still trying to see how this blog could fit into my new ideas, if it does at all.
Until then...
Peace and Blessings.
J
While some things change, somethings never will.
My life since then is not the same, but the need for writing has returned.
I will be taking the blog in another direction.
In the upcoming days or months you should see a change. I'm still trying to see how this blog could fit into my new ideas, if it does at all.
Until then...
Peace and Blessings.
J
time..
it takes time.
that's all i have to say.
i saw you today and i realized..
karma is a bitch...
out to bite your ass
without a hand of mine in the mix
you get what you give.
so ... im good.
moving / flowing
in the right direction...
where im supposed to be...
funny how one can deliver drama and get surprised they get it back..
it's ok.
it's over now..
it takes time..
sometimes we use the time wisely
sometimes we don't
i am in a transition phase.
moving on. from one stop to another..
not sure of what the future fully brings..
but it's not where ive been
it's good
time
and distance
take me from
drama city
to busy days
too busy
to write daily
too busy to be concerned fully
too busy to care
about the he saids
she saids
they saids
and who fucked whose
in the end...
they are there
and i am here..
and 6 months removed.
i have something to show for it...
besides emails/ texts and negative phone calls...
a little closer to my sanity.
a littler closer to financial freedom
a little closer to the purpose of my life
and amazingly..
somtimes you gotta hit rock bottom
in order to rise to the top.
to fully understand.
why.
that's all i have to say.
i saw you today and i realized..
karma is a bitch...
out to bite your ass
without a hand of mine in the mix
you get what you give.
so ... im good.
moving / flowing
in the right direction...
where im supposed to be...
funny how one can deliver drama and get surprised they get it back..
it's ok.
it's over now..
it takes time..
sometimes we use the time wisely
sometimes we don't
i am in a transition phase.
moving on. from one stop to another..
not sure of what the future fully brings..
but it's not where ive been
it's good
time
and distance
take me from
drama city
to busy days
too busy
to write daily
too busy to be concerned fully
too busy to care
about the he saids
she saids
they saids
and who fucked whose
in the end...
they are there
and i am here..
and 6 months removed.
i have something to show for it...
besides emails/ texts and negative phone calls...
a little closer to my sanity.
a littler closer to financial freedom
a little closer to the purpose of my life
and amazingly..
somtimes you gotta hit rock bottom
in order to rise to the top.
to fully understand.
why.
sometimes i relapse
sometimes.. i think about you
like where did we go wrong
like i know im not the only one
who did somethings that led us to gone
but i know better
to linger in this space
darkness is a friend
i don't need to reacquaint
i said some things/ acted with regret
you said some things/ you will never admit
a perfect man with a perfect plan
a perfect anger/ with a perfect hand
you have a history hard to detect
except for the lies we shared
we are both better off if we forget
like you saying.. i was someone you'd always love
like you saying.. i was a whore and a slut
like you saying.. she didn't mean a thing
like you saying.. we should have babies get married move away
like me acting... a bit niave
like me being... plain old me
like me being... the girl of your dreams.
like me having... too many blind dreams..
i know better
i just can't understand
what the real lesson is here
except you were a boy struggling to be a man
and i was a girl/ still trying to grow
and we got paths that merged converged
and veered way off
we seperate ways
the lessons all haze
i wish.. too much
like that it ended well
like we had better stories to tell
like somethings never happened
like...
you weren't bipolar acting..
like...
we could talk it out
instead of
acting up and
yelling
its never resolved
threads still linger
my growth feels hindered...
and we
don't exist
the past is all
bullshit
i resort to this shell
not the same girl
a woman scorned
funny you called me a whore
now ...i sleep alone...
can't bother with taking another chance.
with boys still playing to be men
with boys with too many toys
too much anger..
im better off
alone...
on my own..
lessons...
unlearned...
privacy
returned
sometimes i still wonder
about you and me
but that's an abyss
with no vacancy
not a trip for me
a path i no longer see..
sometimes i wonder...
(c)2009
like where did we go wrong
like i know im not the only one
who did somethings that led us to gone
but i know better
to linger in this space
darkness is a friend
i don't need to reacquaint
i said some things/ acted with regret
you said some things/ you will never admit
a perfect man with a perfect plan
a perfect anger/ with a perfect hand
you have a history hard to detect
except for the lies we shared
we are both better off if we forget
like you saying.. i was someone you'd always love
like you saying.. i was a whore and a slut
like you saying.. she didn't mean a thing
like you saying.. we should have babies get married move away
like me acting... a bit niave
like me being... plain old me
like me being... the girl of your dreams.
like me having... too many blind dreams..
i know better
i just can't understand
what the real lesson is here
except you were a boy struggling to be a man
and i was a girl/ still trying to grow
and we got paths that merged converged
and veered way off
we seperate ways
the lessons all haze
i wish.. too much
like that it ended well
like we had better stories to tell
like somethings never happened
like...
you weren't bipolar acting..
like...
we could talk it out
instead of
acting up and
yelling
its never resolved
threads still linger
my growth feels hindered...
and we
don't exist
the past is all
bullshit
i resort to this shell
not the same girl
a woman scorned
funny you called me a whore
now ...i sleep alone...
can't bother with taking another chance.
with boys still playing to be men
with boys with too many toys
too much anger..
im better off
alone...
on my own..
lessons...
unlearned...
privacy
returned
sometimes i still wonder
about you and me
but that's an abyss
with no vacancy
not a trip for me
a path i no longer see..
sometimes i wonder...
(c)2009
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